I can’t lie to you guys, I started off writing this post on what makes these villains so villainous, and then once I got writing I realized that nearly every character (not all characters, mind you, see: GASTON) has what I think is a justification as to why they act the way they do! Honestly, who wouldn’t feel sads if you were the only one not invited to the party..? So I had to break it down..I give you the good (they’re misunderstood, ya hear?), The bad (okay, stealing people is not the nicest, Hook), and the ugly (Gaston, we all know you smell too, shall we say, musky?!) of the Disney villains. Let me know if you agree, we all know I am a tad biased. After reading about the baddies, go check out my post on my favorite Disney princes!

The Good:

Captain Hook – How can you possibly blame the guy? He is trapped in a world with no other adults but pirates and everyone else on the island IS A CHILD! Not the mention the fact that they are all male. The so called “leader” of these “lost boys” is a total brat who uses his everlasting youth to learn how to mimic the sound a clock ticking just so he can traumatize Hook who clearly has a phobia of crocodiles since HELLOOO one ate his hand off! Using context clues (he definitely conditions that hair, and look at those frilly sleeves) one can assume that Hook doesn’t entirely dislike the lack of women, you pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down? However, it must be very humid there and most men pirates aren’t known for their cleanliness. Honestly, think of the smell. Let’s not forget that Hook is obsessed with “good form,” and what kind of villain has his own set of morals even when faced with villainous choices. Hook has complete rights to be grumpy.

Hades – Poor Hades, another one with family issues. His golden skinned brother gets to sit in the sunshine and play with his lightning bolt while Hades is forced to sit below ground with the dead for company. Hades is different from a lot of other villains in that he is witty and fast talking, like the captain of the lacrosse team the night before you end up doing an early morning walk of shame with just one shoe and zero dignity….*reminisces* riiight so Hades, well, poisoning babies isn’t nice, and false deals, well how very Rumplestiltskin a la Shrek Ever After, but mostly, I think Hades is suffering from a serious seasonal affective disorder, you would benefit from some vitamin D, my friend.

Doctor Facilier – I don’t know how I feel about Doctor Facilier, he arguably has the scariest song of all of the Disney villains and his friends on the other side business is downright terrifying because voodoo is just a no no in my book. I mean, look at his shadow – it’s so…spindly and I don’t know why but that just freaks me out. However, when we get right down to it, Doctor Facilier doesn’t really have much going for him besides a killer wardrobe (I like a man in skulls), a fantastic singing voice, and sleight of hand (if ya know what I mean), all of his “magic” comes from those friends on the other side and really all he manages to do is turn a prince into a frog, not entirely villain worthy, if you ask me. His spindly shadow, on the other hand, he is one scary dude.

The bad:

Ursula – Some time ago I noticed a twitter convo between Patrick Ness, Anne Perry, and Nick Coveney (which is really what got me thinking about this post) in which Patrick Ness argued that Ursula is the queen of BAMFs. He had some pretty compelling evidence:

What else is there to say? She has excellent minions (“My little poopsies!”), she knows how to work it (“BODYYY LANGUAGEEEE!!”), and she really thinks out her evil plots thoroughly. Not only does she take Ariel’s voice so she can’t tell Eric what happened, she does indeed turn into Kate Middleton to take Eric for herself – just for HA-HA’s. Honestly, you go girl.

Scar – I mean, Scar is Jeremy Irons. Can we drop the mic right there? We could, sure, but Scar is often compared to a famous Shakespearean character who kills his brother to marry his widow and become King (and let’s not even touch upon the fact that some claim that his little hyena song is a nod to Hitler…) Come on, how can you possibly get more villainous? However…He is basically the Tyrion Lannister of Pride Rock and honestly who doesn’t have some compassion for Tyrion Lannister? “Life’s not fair, is it..?” No, Scar, life isn’t fair when you are thwarted just because you don’t possess the same heavenly looks strength as your brother.

Queen Grimhilde – Ahh the evil queen. The epitome of all evil villainesses. She has so many tools at her disposal. Her first mistake, is the fact that she trusts a man to do a woman’s job. C’mon Grimhilde, I expected better from a woman with your cheekbones. You will remember that she does succeed in taking advantage of Snow White’s naivete against stranger danger and succeeds in poisoning her. Why she uses a faulty spell that can be turned with a kiss from true love, we will never know. It is safe to say that had Aprhodite not been angry over the queen’s vanity in claiming that she was the fairest of them all and had she not convinced Zeus to lightning bolt the rock Grimhilde was standing on (I could have misinterpreted this bit) then she would have come back vengeful again and finished the job, perhaps this time with a weapon mightier than an apple. *facepalm*

Maleficent – Maleficent is my favorite villain. She is stunning, has a raven named Diablo (yaaa.. that’s a nod to demons) as a familiar and is literally called “The Mistress of all Evil.” Pretty amazing, right? But wait…once we look a little deeper we remember that her noteworthy villainous deed happens because she wasn’t invited to a party for an infant. What. YOU ARE THE MISTRESS OF ALL EVIL, YOU DO NOT NEED TO CARE ABOUT INVITATIONS CELEBRATING TINY HUMANS. But then we get into the fact that she doesn’t just seek revenge outright but lets everyone stew in her curse and look over their shoulder for 16 years or so. Oh and also, she is a dragon sometimes. Being a dragon pretty much trumps all things. *Fun fact: Eleanor Audley was the voice of Maleficent and Lady Tremaine from Cinderella. She rocks.

Jafar – He arguably has the most annoying sidekick of all of the Disney villains and in a song entitled “Why Me” that was cut from the final film, he sings “I was unappreciated by my peers, as their slings and arrows flew, I would ponder, wouldn’t you? Why me?” Jafar, stop it. Who do you think you are? Severus Snape? I am sorry that you were bullied in school but that doesn’t give you any right to dress Jasmine up like Princess Leia and then spit apple on her face while you force her to feed you, because: germs, and also your hat is clearly overcompensation for something.

The ugly:

Gaston – Let’s start with the fact that he can’t comprehend how Belle can read her book WITHOUT PICTURES. Moving on to the line, “It’s not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas, and thinking…” Ew. That right there is enough to make me want to tell him to shove those antlers right up his…aaanywho I can’t lie to you guys, the muscles throw me off, but he is a complete sexist who plans to lock Belle’s father in an asylum and then he tries to stab the Beast in the back! Gaston, you are a mighty hunter – look at those trophies – yet you brought a crossbow to a knife fight.

The Hunter who killed Bambi’s mom – Don’t try and tell me this wasn’t a defining moment in your childhood. The moment where you wondered just how twisted your parents had to be to plop you in front of this movie while they went to make dinner. “Don’t you wanna watch the movie about the baby deer?!” As an innocent child (HA!) of COURSE I wanted to watch the movie about the baby deer! But then not far into the film my world was shattered by a very abrupt gunshot to the heart (metaphorically for me, most likely literally for Bambi’s mom). Don’t even get me started on the daddy issues in this film TALK ABOUT VILLAINS.

Claude Frollo – Frollo keeps his ward locked up in a tower, decides that he is Lord Voldemort and therefore must “cleanse” the town to get rid of anyone not of a “pure race” and have you all heard his little ditty called “Hellfire?” Umm Frollo basically sings a song about how Esmerelda sent a “flame” to turn him to sin and that it isn’t his fault if she has to be punished (aka burned to death) for not choosing to be with him. Well, that is a little something that we call victim blaming, and that’s just not cool, bro. Asking her out for a cup of coffee via her OkCupid profile is probably a better idea, subtlety is key here.

Honorable Mentions:

Lady Tremaine – Whereas most of these villains try and harm people physically, Lady Tremaine decides to focus on the psychological aspects of abuse. She quickly gathers that Cinderella has mommy issues and she grasps onto that. Let’s quickly move past the fact that this woman reminds me of my grandmother, because that fact alone is enough to move Lady Tremaine to the top of the villain list…

Mother Gothel – Like Lady Tremaine she also focuses on the mean girl behavior and makes “JUST KIDDING” jokes to make Rapunzel feel even less “normal” than she is. Plus she kicks Pascal and really there is no reason for that nonsense. Also where is she going all of the time?! Why is she so worried about wrinkles and gravity taking its toll? She definitely has a beau and keeping Rapunzel from growing up with a father figure? Sigh. Disney’s daddy issues strike again.

Yzma – “It is no concern of mine whether or not your family has… what was it again?” “Ummm, food.” “Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants!” HAHA also she has the best sidekick ever.

Cruella DeVille – She is an attempted puppy murderer.I’m a cat person myself but come on now…

So there we have it, this is by no means an exhaustive list but I wanted to touch upon those who stood out for me. If you have a chance go check out this amazing video called Spell Block Tango (yes, that is a play on Cell Block Tango from Chicago) by Todrick Hall, because it is amazing.